How to relax

“Relaxing my Ass back on” to counter “Working my Ass off”
I come from a family where the number one belief was “you are only a good person if you are constantly hard working, you can get drunk sometimes, but then get up the next day and work.”  And like someone said in my other group, that’s a good recipe for burnout.  Which I have done.  Burnout seems to have been my middle name for about 10 years.  I look back and think…well, I don’t know what I think.  Oh, brain fog.
Anyway, I’m trying to learn to listen to my body–I’m having a hard time not getting bored and feeling guilty staying home trying to stay within my energy envelope.  I feel really angry about everything right now.  I realize that my denial about what I really can do, am doing, did do (in terms of overworking)is so huge and breaking it down is the only way I will be able to figure out how to pace myself and make myself happier.  I think I also use work like a drug to avoid my feelings–so I have feelings I don’t like, which I deny by throwing myself into work and then I deny that I’m overtaxing myself with work.  Oh the circuitous routes of my mind!
I haven’t written a goal for a couple of weeks I don’t think (everything blending into everything else lately, weeks go by without me being aware).  My new goal is to what?  Chip away at my belief that I’m only worthy if I’m working my ass off?  (funny, the older I get, the less ass I actually have!!LOL Talk about a self fulfilling prophesy!)
Okay, but seriously, how to chip away?  well, I guess it’s just affirmations and self talk that counters the old belief.
What:  repeat to myself “I am a good person even if I do nothing.”
When:  as much as I can–especially when feeling lonely, bored, or guilty.
Confidence: 8
Thanks for reading.

vulnerability

looking deeper…being vulnerable

I love this idea that when we numb out all of the things we don’t want to feel we also numb out those we do want to feel.  Looking at this picture (which I took) makes me feel kind of…embarrassed.  I don’t want to look that closely at the flower’s vulnerability.  Because I don’t want anyone looking that closely at mine.

If any of this sounds interesting to you, you have to watch this Ted Talk by Brene Brown.

So worth watching!

baby blanket

New crochet baby blanket  (Fabulous Husband’s brother’s baby coming soon!)
Easy to enjoy crafting:  So, look at this not perfect blanket, but so cute…the picture, also not perfect, and look at the crap hiding next to the blanket.  Oh and the background is so yucky…hahahaha.  Who cares.  Look.  My happy “what gender will it be” blanket is almost done.  Yeah, things I like.  Thanks for your input critical mind, but I’m still happy about it.
We have worried about Fabulous Husband’s mom not having a grandkid  Hooray!  Welcome new grandbaby!
Easy to move:  So an unnamed couple had purchased a loan with the mother-in-law carrying the mortgage because their credit rating wasn’t so good.  The mother-in-law collected the mortgage insurance tax break, although the couple was paying it, for the six years they lived there.  Seems a little counter productive, since the *sigh* “middle class” can’t really afford to buy a house without the mortgage interest tax break.  So after six years, the hard-working couple had struggled financially long enough and were fed up.  They moved out, a decision that for years had wracked them with guilt, worry, and panic. They were going to let the bank foreclose on the loan.  Relationship with mother-in-law be damned.  So they worried that mother-in-law would freak and disown them.  SURPRISE!  For now, mother-in-law has not disowned them, wasn’t angry and even expressed some compassion and understanding.  Oh, so surprising when things are easier than we think they’ll be.  They love their new house and will now have pocket money for fun adventures for their family!–Update:  turns out that the daughter had to threaten to disown the mother and then the mother sent a mean email, but then tried to make up for it–so I guess it wasn’t really that easy, but still…as fabulous husband says, you gotta do what you need to do.  In other words, don’t be codependent (another word, like consciousness, that is used in ways that make me cringe, but there it is).
Easy to tell stories of ease on the outside/Plans confuse the gremlins:  So after talking about other people’s ease and crafting, I have to say to myself, and also to you, dear reader, what’s going on inside?  Well, I’m okay.  No panic, no crying.  A little bit of “eh” about going back to work tomorrow now that Spring break is over.  Going to enjoy cloudy day, laundry, lunch with a friend, and grocery shopping.  Maybe go to tiki bar where Fabulous Husband will be playing records.  So lots of plans. Plans help.  Also making plans for August vacation to Florida to see FH’s (Fabulous Husband’s) mom.  Got the tix free with my Southwest Frequent Flyer miles.  Hooray.  Also making plans to visit family in Santa Fe in June.  So plans.  The internal forces (gremlins) that don’t like me are a little flabbergasted and confused by plans.  Hehe.  Points for ease!!!
ps:  don’t know why the wiki words are highlighted.  please ignore that little sign of imperfection, or celebrate it, whatever.