Gratitude

Today I’m thankful for:

  1. Fabulous husband
  2. Books
  3. RrW
  4. Fabgirl
  5. balance
  6. fm online support group
  7. green things that grow
  8. flowers
  9. coffee
  10. my landlords
  11. S. –who showed me I can make new friends who really get me
  12. Children
  13. my job
  14. money
  15. doing nothing and getting better at it without effort
  16. effortlessness
  17. tiger balm
  18. words with friends
  19. socks
  20. pinterest
  21. you for reading this!
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Fermenting

Fermenting

Well, one thing I’m getting into is lacto-fermenting foods.  Here’s a pic of some garlic and red onions, and some cucumber pickles.  It’s very good for one’s tummy to get some of those probiotic bacteria in there.  And it doesn’t taste too bad.  Helps the digestion.  They say a happy belly leads to a happy mind, the gut being the second brain and all that.  Anyway, I recommend it.  I still haven’t gotten very good results with  my water kefir grains, but hopefully soon.

But really, fermenting myself is what I’m doing.  I realized I haven’t written much because I am just kind of treading water or floating or…something.  I’ve been having a midlife crisis since like third grade, so now that I’m actually…da da da dum…forty seven years old, I think I might be having a midlife crisis for real, but I don’t know how it’s so different from every other time in my life.

I’ve always wondered if I were doing the right thing, in the right place, woke up in a parallel universe where everything is just harder.  And I’ve learned to calm those worries by saying to myself, “everything happens for a reason” and “you’re right where you need to be.”

I took a part-time job working with autistic kids and the company is new so things are kind of flippety-floppety in terms of training and other administrative stuff.  It bugs me.  It’s also hard work–I have four clients–funny calling little kids clients, huh? Well, they are really great except when they are melting down and I don’t know what to do.  But I’m just trying to be okay with that.  I want to be able to say, “I love it!  this is my next career.  I’m no longer lost or confused.  I’m focused, ambitious, on a path.”  But I can’t say that. I just don’t know. Sometimes I just want to stay home and do nothing and sometimes I really like the job.  I don’t trust myself to even know what I want to do.  I want my husband to get really rich so I can live off of him!! Haha though, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to do that.  As a little girl in the women’s movement of the 1970s I committed to being independent fully forever.  No one was going to have me under his thumb like all the grown women I knew.  This is a truth that is way deep for me.  I don’t know if it’s true.  Maybe it’s false and just another tentacle of the “don’t ever trust anyone ever” monster that lurks in my subconscious mind.  I don’t know.  Anyway, he probably won’t get rich enough to support both of us in the lavish fermented foods style we’ve grown accustomed to anyway.

So…I am fermenting.  Trying not to worry about money.  Not to work more hours just for money.  Not to worry about financial dependency.  Trusting that I will know what to do next whenever next gets here.

I keep forgetting that I had to quit my more than full-time teaching career because of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, and that what I am fermenting, is a new life where I stress less and have fewer symptoms of exhaustion and pain.  This is what’s in my jar.  I can wait for it.