integrating the past

Imagine the old Jazz standard “My Old Flame” but the words are changed to “My Old Bike.”

IMG_0430

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDSUKQZbHEk

When I was twenty four, I got my first “Real Job.”  It was at a computer company. I hated it and stayed two years.  I didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t seem to fit into this world, wanted to do something else but couldn’t get a job and was broke.  With my first or second paycheck, I bought this bike, a Diamond Back, for $450.  It was the most I’d ever paid for anything in my life (except airline tickets, tuition and books).  I loved this bike like you wouldn’t believe.  This bike carried me through Golden Gate Park on days of love, joy, hope, sorrow, sunshine and fog.  I would go to Sutro Heights Park with this bike, lug it up the steps to the top, and look out over the vast ocean from that vantage point above Ocean Beach.SUTRO_HEIGHTS (image courtesy of SF Examiner)

Seven years ago I abandoned this bike in the small town I now live in.  I had nowhere to store it to protect it from the weather, and it was so broken down I couldn’t fix it.

Today, I found it, seven block from where I left it.  No chain.  Probably still broken.  But mine.  Now I have a garage, and a husband who can fix bikes.  Today I am feeling better because of the integrative therapy I’ve been doing–welcoming and taking care of those parts of myself that I have neglected.  It’s so strange when physical reality parallels psychic reality.

This bike, for me, represents joy.  I think I may have found it again.  My turn to wake the sleeping lions.

One of the Lions at the gate to Sutro Heights Park (image courtesy of SF Gate)

How to relax

“Relaxing my Ass back on” to counter “Working my Ass off”
I come from a family where the number one belief was “you are only a good person if you are constantly hard working, you can get drunk sometimes, but then get up the next day and work.”  And like someone said in my other group, that’s a good recipe for burnout.  Which I have done.  Burnout seems to have been my middle name for about 10 years.  I look back and think…well, I don’t know what I think.  Oh, brain fog.
Anyway, I’m trying to learn to listen to my body–I’m having a hard time not getting bored and feeling guilty staying home trying to stay within my energy envelope.  I feel really angry about everything right now.  I realize that my denial about what I really can do, am doing, did do (in terms of overworking)is so huge and breaking it down is the only way I will be able to figure out how to pace myself and make myself happier.  I think I also use work like a drug to avoid my feelings–so I have feelings I don’t like, which I deny by throwing myself into work and then I deny that I’m overtaxing myself with work.  Oh the circuitous routes of my mind!
I haven’t written a goal for a couple of weeks I don’t think (everything blending into everything else lately, weeks go by without me being aware).  My new goal is to what?  Chip away at my belief that I’m only worthy if I’m working my ass off?  (funny, the older I get, the less ass I actually have!!LOL Talk about a self fulfilling prophesy!)
Okay, but seriously, how to chip away?  well, I guess it’s just affirmations and self talk that counters the old belief.
What:  repeat to myself “I am a good person even if I do nothing.”
When:  as much as I can–especially when feeling lonely, bored, or guilty.
Confidence: 8
Thanks for reading.

Gratitude

Today I’m thankful for:

  1. Fabulous husband
  2. Books
  3. RrW
  4. Fabgirl
  5. balance
  6. fm online support group
  7. green things that grow
  8. flowers
  9. coffee
  10. my landlords
  11. S. –who showed me I can make new friends who really get me
  12. Children
  13. my job
  14. money
  15. doing nothing and getting better at it without effort
  16. effortlessness
  17. tiger balm
  18. words with friends
  19. socks
  20. pinterest
  21. you for reading this!