Tag Archives: fear

Words Not My Own

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Woolf_40s

 

Thanks to findingtimetowrite for the following inspirational quotes.  THANKS!

Here are some quotes from women poets and writers which currently guide and inspire me:

The joy of writing.

The power of preserving.

Revenge of a mortal hand.  (Wisława Szymborska)

I’m not mad. It just seems that way
because I stagger and get a bit irritable.
There are wonderful holes in my brain
through which ideas from outside can travel
at top speed and through which voices,
sometimes whole people, speak to me
about the universe.  (Jo Shapcott)

For it would seem …  that we write, not with the fingers, but with the whole person. (Virginia Woolf)

Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.  (Adrienne Rich)

findingtimetowrite

I’m struggling a little to find my words right now.  6 months of corporate speak, constant travelling and consummate professionalism have taken their toll.  Writing and I have never been further apart – or so it seems.

But the good news is that the holidays have started now.  I’m taking all of July and August off.  July will be dedicated to the family, but August is mine, to read, review, blog, read your blogs and … finally nail that novel.  If only the words start flowing again.

Here are some quotes from women poets and writers which currently guide and inspire me:

The joy of writing.

The power of preserving.

Revenge of a mortal hand.  (Wisława Szymborska)

I’m not mad. It just seems that way
because I stagger and get a bit irritable.
There are wonderful holes in my brain
through which ideas from outside can travel
at top speed…

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Shame

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So, guess what?  I’m not perfect.  And I have a heapload of shame stored in here.  Well, not in this lovely old safe, but in myself.  And I have to let it out.  Most of it is not really anything I should feel bad about, anything that was my fault, or anything that is even really, in the truest sense, true.

And yet there it is, locked away–sometimes I think I even forgot the combination.

So recently I did something bad at work.  It wasn’t so bad, but it was bad.  I feel ashamed.  I got busted in a huge and ridiculous clusterbunk  involving lawyers and lots of paperwork and many tears and panic attacks.

FH’s response to my work mess up and resultant bustage was to say, “you never get in trouble.  It’s time you started getting in some trouble.”  By which he meant, stop following the rules all the time!!!

So, here’s the question:  What do we do to get rid of all of that shame that’s left over from childhood–where so much stuff feels shameful and we don’t even know why???

And how do we get to the place where we can make a mistake and go, “oh well, I guess that proves I’m human,” instead of dragging out all of that old, old shame from the hidden places–where the comination was thought to be forgotten?

Okay, so I’m doing some EMDR, which sounds kind of hokey–it’s that eye movement therapy–but I think it’s working.  Anyone have any luck with this?  My brother did something similar, and it seems to have brought him down from the ptsd ledge.  I think it’s called mind stopping.  I guess we just have to keep exploring those hidden bits of our own awareness—the parts just beneath consciousness that know the combination to the safe that hold all of the things I am ashamed of or blame myself for.  Hello, yes you, that little part, just below my day-to-day awareness, yes, you.  Can you help me air out some of that old stuff so I can live a little more freely?  Please, yes you, please, let me dream it out, or draw it out, or talk it out.  Walk it out…anything.  Tell me the combination and let the old wounds fly away from my soul.

Isn’t it weird that safe means a place where things are locked up and safe means feeling like you can’t be hurt, you’re protected?