small good things

So I’m reading Tell the Wolves I’m Home and the main character wonders, “how many small good things in the world might be resting on the shoulders of something terrible?”  I got to thinking about this.

A while back, spending time with family, I kept thinking, “what’s the purpose of this life.  There’s no purpose, it’s just effort to not be sad, effort to deal, effort, effort, and all for nothing.” I knew I needed perspective, but I didn’t know where to get it.  I wish that I had the kind of family that brings one solace, instead of the kind that sends one searching for solace.  Alas.  Now that I’m reading about the Wolves ( I still haven’t quite figured out the title, but doesn’t it maybe suggest a solace-less family?), I wonder how many good things rest on the shoulders of my solace-less family of origin?How many good things rest on the traumas that I wish had never occurred?  Who would I be if I had not fought like hell for my little piece of solace–?

Well, I wouldn’t have met many of my best friends through my incest survivors group.  I wouldn’t have helped many of my students find the therapy or solace they needed when their families were making them wish for death.  I wouldn’t be as wise as I am (although this wisdom is off and on, as I can tell from my thoughts when I’m with my family of origin).  I wouldn’t appreciate the good days as much as I do.  I wouldn’t have had to spend so much time in therapy.  I wouldn’t have waited until I found the perfect husband (lack of trust kept me single for a long time, and now I have fh [fabulous husband]).  I know there are a ton more small things…and it’s funny to think they “rest” on this “solace-lessness.”  For rest is a kind of solace, no?  So there you have it.

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