Tired now. I had an appointment in Berkeley this afternoon. Since I got a new phone, and I had the appointment recorded in my phone calendar app, it was supposed to, but didn’t transfer over. I thought the appointment was at 5:00 pm. Turns out it was at 4:40. I was late. I hate being late, especially when I’m spending money on the time I’m missing…ugh! I drove fast, but I tried not to stress too much. Just let it go. Technology helps and hurts. Being late though, is something I could let go of. The silver lining was that I got to hang out and have dinner with some friends who live over there. So it was all good really. Having fun and feeling connected.
So I got home a little late, after a tiring 2nd workday back.
What I was thinking about though, in my appointment, was hope. Not letting go exactly, but connected. I realized that I can only feel a certain amount of hope for myself and the future. I have an ingrained belief that too much hope will lead to disappointment…then depression…then, who knows, complete annihilation. So how can I inch by inch approach hope with a little more courage? I know I have the tools to face disappointment. But something inside still says, “don’t hope for too much…it will turn out bad.” Here is a belief that has had its day. It is no longer helpful (although probably at one time it was helpful…even if it was just to fit in with my family of origin). So, really, this thinking about hope, is about letting go. Letting go of being afraid of good feelings. Inch by inch, baby step by baby step, approaching my hope with, well, with hope.
I too have that uneasy feeling about hope. A great shield to protect against disappointments. An insulator, the hedging of bets, that I’ve grown like a shell around me. Great that you made the connection between that and living fully…….
oh, LOVE the photo!
Thanks for your comments Deborah! The flowers were from my wedding!